No words to say

Assalamualaikum

    I was wake up at 8'oclock and i feel a little bit much better than yesterday. Alhamdulillah i still breathing now. I look my grandma always busy with my mum at kitchen. They always cooking early, idk why. Nahh let it him. First thing i must to do is check my phone. I fall asleep last night. My boyfriend everyday everytime every night wish me say 'good night'. But why am i? Why i must treat him like this? I'm change my mood. Its me. My mood turn to a bad mood already. I force him to leave me alone and all. Idk why i been like this. I'm totally change. I don't feel anything. In fact, my heart totally die. Mybe forever ? or mybe hm.

    E so love me a lot. But i can't. I'm didn't mean hurting him. I'm ego. I wanna change my number phone, deactive all social life and etc but why i must do that? What wrong with me? I'm still searching. Saya selalu menjadi punca segala masalah. Yes. I'am. He very kind on me, berkorban apa sahaja untuk saya and all but i? Tak nampak. Tak menghargai apa yang dia telah buat selama ini. Imma selfish? I always talk to the mirror and ask on myself, 'why i suppose to do right now?' 'what should i do?', 'what wrong with me?', 'Imma a devil person which i hurting all the people?' its that true? I try to be relax. Calm down and all but totally tak menjadi. Still a same a condition like this. I still follow my fucking ego. I deactive my fb, twitter plus i off my phone. I know if i doing this like a childish but what i feel that it boleh kurangkan stress kepala otak ini. I'm stress. Yes. Honestly, i want to survive all by myself. Yes exactly.

    I try to release my tension. But i can't.  Kenapa saya buat dia macam tu sekali? I'm a heartless? Hmm pity on him. I do i love her. Like seriously shit i love her but hmm idk. Terlalu banyak benda yang perlu difikirkan sekarang. Kiamat ? hm geting worried. If that become a really happen around the corner, idk apa nak jadi pada saya. I know kiamat adalah benar and i really scare. Now, perasaan bercampur baur. I merasakan yang i nak hidup seorang diri. Tak nak bertegur dengan sesiapa. Like this world is only mine. Huh ! idk what i talking about. I be lost control. I don't be like this. Its very suck. Its a life suck. Like i ni tak ada hala tuju.

"E, i'm so sorry. i didn't mean to do this to you. Im stress. Totally stress. Hampir mati fikirkan semua ini. I tak fikir pasal you, tak ambil berat pasal you like i buat dunno all about you. Jahat kan i? I tak tahu apa yang i cakapkan ni. I like a crazy girl. Dah jadi tak tentu arah. Hm no words to say again. I love you that all. Hope you read this"

From Z xoxo